Today has been a profoundly strange day. I can't go into to many details, so I have to voice it in this way. When I teach the Bible I want to always be on target, I want to always be an agent of truth. I read the Bible and my life doesn't look anything like I think it should. I am speaking of me, and my heart, not others in my life. I am talking about my average, everyday, normal Brett-self. I read about God's presence and at times don't feel it. I pray to God and sometimes feel he isn't there. I read scriptures and know what I have been taught about a certain passage, only to discover that it doesn't mean that at all. I go to church and am absent of life, or excitement for being there. The more I study God's word, teach God's word, and digest God's Word, the more I wonder how I have come to all the conclusions I have.
So many things that we do as Christians I question, so many things we don't do as Christians I question. The scripture jumped out at me today, "Not all who say Lord, lord will enter the Kingdom of Heaven." So where am I? Am i on the inside because of all i have been taught, studied and learned over the years, or am I on the outside? Daily missing the most important things in Life, according to God? I feel alot like the Pharisees, when Jesus came the disciples and others had to wonder if what they were doing was right. Or did they?
Man, right now I feel like the waves in my Spirit are Crashing, the problem is not the crashing waves, those will come and go. The problem is where are they coming from? Will they crush me? Who is holding me up as they hit me? Am I standing in a place where I will stand strong or will I slip and be consumed by the water? Should I be rejoicing, or crying out while the waves hit me?
There are so many people who are living their lives and think they are doing what is right, and i am talking about other Christians. Well what if they are wrong, what if I am Wong? What if all these things I have been taught are an altered version of Christ crucified? Am I OK with these questions, that I am asking myself? I have to be, I am not saying that I doubt God or who He is, or that I doubt Christ and his salvation. I am just having a hard time understanding what it means to "Keep My Commandments" in Matthew 5. I know he is not speaking of anything else than the 10 commandments, so where do I begin. Where do the elements of Worship and devotion to God end with the Jewish practices and laws, and where do those begin for me as a Christian?
I will stop here, my heart is full. It is full of all kinds of emotion, and I am really tired right now. I will continue this thought. I couldn't hold this in, as I had to mark this day. I believe it to be a pivotal day in my life. Maybe a day that shakes me in a way that grows my faith, and hopefully doesn't allow it to be shattered. I love God, with all my heart, I just want to make sure I am loving him the right way. I can't imagine if I went through life doing this thing called life the wrong way....! So I will press on from this day forward, constantly working out my salvation.
In Christ